An Illumination in the Shadows

Some of the hardest things in life is...getting out of the cubicle in our school's comfort room. -_-; OK, I'm exaggerating. O.o But I looked so stupid trying to get out of there just a while ago. Heh heh.

Anyway, for English class, we watched 45 minutes of Run Lola Run, a German movie. Even if it doesn't suck, it doesn't appeal much to me either. Or maybe just for the first 45 minutes. Who knows? Maybe the next 45 minutes will make it better. My classmate says it reminds him of Alias, but for me it's the 5th Element. The 5th Element is an old movie...Maybe I should go watch it some time.

"Don't hold on to your life, you'd lose it anyway." My Literature prof said this, I can't get it out of my head. It kind of reminds me of what a friend said: Sometimes the view is scarier than the jump.

Reeeeeeeeewind. Maybe the reason why I'm so uncomfortable in school is rooted to the first day. My Mum and sister doesn't want me to wear the clothes that I used to wear. They made me wear the same things that they would wear. So now, I'm stuck wearing those for the whole of my first year college life.

Nah. Maybe I'm just speculating. It's so difficult to shift now. I'm doomed. O.o heh heh. Exaggerating again... But I think I'm fitting into the uniform that they assigned me... . But then again, Why should it matter? It's not that it's that bad, right?

It's just that, somehow... I feel afraid... of something... I don't know. I guess I'm just being paranoid.

Oh damn. I'm merely guessing everything.

I hope that's not the case later in my Math quiz. Which reminds me... I haven't studied yet. I was so tired yesterday, after I took a bath, I fell asleep.

Oh and for today, I have an important job to do: Find me a camera phone that I will not be tired of in two years. ^^ Wish me luck.

And oh yes, just for the record, after watching the Movie Alexander, all the hype was useless. The movie sucked bigtime. Poor Bagoas and Hephaestion... they really weren't how they were supposed to be. And poor Alexander... his memory might be ruined forever...hahaha...

I recognized lines that came from Mary Renaud's Persian Boy. The adaptation of the book to the movie sucked. They practically destroyed it. Read the book and you'll know what I mean.

I guess I'm being biased. But for me it really wasn't a good movie.

Well, there are more thngs to worry about. Math quiz is postponed till tomorrow...I have a practical test for PE...and a graded exercise(?) for Fil...^^ I haven't started on my work hours yet, a lot of areas in the country are totally devastated. I'm so sad for all those people. -_-;

I saw a beautiful thing at National bookstore a while ago. A Family buying thier son a textbook. You know why that sight is so precious? They don't even have shoes...not even slippers. They bought the book with 20 peso bills that must've been hard to get.

...I should be more serious with my studying. Afterall, my tuition is paid out of the goodness of someone else's heart.

This is a website yukixtoya.com or was it vice versa? Anyway, I got an image that's so lovely that I just had to make a wallpaper. ^^ And it's a canon event: It's screencapped.

Yue was the particular character that inspired my recent tabulas layout. ^^ It was supposed to be this wallpaper but seeing text scrolling over the faces of Yue and Touya is just unforgivable...So rather than using it, it's up for grabs. Sometimes the wallpaper is too dark depending on the contrast of the monitor, so just adjust the brightness and contrast to suit your PC on Adobe.



...just in case: right click image and select save as to avoid the fuss, or left click to view full image.

Anyway, there are no classes today. ^^ But I'm not very happy about it. Not that I don't want a break, (believe me, I do) but a lot of people are getting harmed.

You see, the price of a day's vacation is not worth their suffering.

It will never suffice. I'd rather endure a day in school though I'm bored to a figurative death than have people literally die.

On the lighter side of things,

CENOZOIC REVOLUTION I decided to redo the manga. I'm currently in artistic block right now, but it suddenly popped in my head. How long as it been since I had envisioned that story? 3, 4 years ago? It's something to do at least, better than sulking at home and contemplating on why I'm forever NOT in the mood to study.

I can't believe a dream coud leave me so dazed like this. But It was so real and so...odd... I was crying the whole time. There are five images in my dream...they are separate, but in one night. And I didn't forget all thise five images I dreamt of...I guess it left me so shocked that I can't forget.

One is a secret, but it was the worst of the five images...it involved someone dying...I think that's what shocked me the most.

The second is part of an old family feud that I still don't know if it's resolved. But honestly, it's one of the memories that brought me the greatest childhood trauma...

The third are three burning buildings in ortigas.

The fourth is being with someone from a very far place and someone you don't really know at that. It's like they're lost or something, and I'm helping her find where to go.

The fifth image is one that involves bicycles, a house and all the people I remember seeing at the UP AME event yesterday. As for that event...I'll post later on.

But for now the dreams are relatively profound.

I have a title deficiency...sorry. I just saw my arms in the mirror and saw lots of mosquito bites...which came from my painting session last friday night.

...It's just that it's so sad that I wasn't able to pass my fanart for the contest. -_-; Not that I thought it would win or anything...I just wanted to try...

...Also the event was more or less okay in the latter part I suppose. For he first part I just roamed around doing nothing because I had no money with me. ^^

Sorry I'm speaking in fagments.

There was this band who sung the Getbackers theme that sounded authentic. And there was a girl dressed like Kadsuki and a guy dressed like Jubei who ramped around together in a pose that is just Oh-so-yaoi. Perhaps it was they that got the loudest screams and claps. (Ooooh, I wonder why?) That also gave me the conclusion that the audience-body is mostly composed of girls.

I don't really watch getbackers, but Jubei and Kadsuki I know of. Cute pairing.

Anyway, I wanted to stay til the end but my friends had to go home, so I went with them.

As I stepped into the sala, I saw my older sister and my younger brother...and...a new Guitar. They were playing Linger by Cranberries.

Apparently she bought the guitar for my brother as a Christmas Present. It's a really nice one. It's slim and well done, it's completely varnished with more that one coat, unlike those other cheap acoustic guitars that sound like tin cans. My brother calls it "Gitara ng Masa"...or is it really called that?

Anyway, that means I don't have to buy my own. But I think we really should make adjustments because the strings are too far from the fret board and it hurts. When I got to try playing it I was really careful not to get myself cut. Even Ate and Androids had a difficult time...but I'm getting used to it. Afterall I think our old guitar is much worse. (It's good quality, but the strings hurt like hell. You get callouses after two days of trial. No kidding.)

^_^ But I was happy. I had phone photos taken with Ate Cats and Droids...because they saw the wig that I was holding. Actually it's not mine, I'm just going to return it ^_^ But they seemed so happy, I can't deny them that. We just had to take real good care of it because it's not ours.

Today we had free cut in English and an early dismissal in Literature class...but I'm still sleepy...:: I did by brother's invitation last midnight.

...And my mom decided to wake me up EARLY this morning.

So that means...no sleep...

::

Anyway we have Math Class later. I can't wait...

...to go home.

::

Oh, and anyway there's a free event tomorrow. Stonefree, Mongols and Sponge cola (I think that's a staple in ateneo events)...and since that's only in Colayco and it's for GK, my Mum and Dad would allow me to go. -_-; anybody else going?

O.o Well, that's what I felt when ate 'lunch'. I just had to try cooking myself food to save money this morning. And guess what? I cooked Tuna...in oil. The result? Half-eaten Heated canned(well used to be canned, now in airtight food container) tuna in oil! :sob:

...Oh well...at least I didn't burn it. O.o Now THAT would've been a disgrace. But I've done that before too. XD

...oh and at least it still tasted like tuna in can. T.T

By the way, Math class today wasn't that bad...yet I guess. It didn't come to haunt me of my growing phobia of assymtotes.

But of course that still doesn't help my brain zooming around while discussion was going on.

"...the lim f(x) as x ---> 5+ is equal to positive infinity..."

Infinity. Endless. The bluest sky is infinitely high and crystal clear. Hmmm...where have I heard that before?

"...has no bound."

Bound? Like in bondage? O.o Like a mummy? Like being plastered with Salonpas strips all over?

"...a common misconception..."

...that Kurama and Yue are both girls and that there is totally no Shounen ai between a KxH and a YxT...?

"...dismissed."

...

...

...

...chocolate cake.

Hmmm...and by the way, a lot of people have been talking about about the closing of CCHQ. My Eng blockmate suggested that I wait and buy stuff at the real end of the closing days sale so that I can get free stuff.

Ooooooooh...yaoi goodies! XD (Don't think about it that way) But that's where my Prof said they got the translated manga of DNAngel.

Pepper Spray. My sister gave me a pepper spray container. O.o what for? I guess since I'm riding the MRT and jeep to get home these days.

...But Ooooooh Pepper Spray. Heh heh. Forgive the hype, but it's just that I only see these used in movies or TV shows.

Would any one believe (surely not I) That I'm watching a marathon of a Sappy Korean drama?

It's sappy. My sister brought the whole VCD set home and insisted on watching. Now I'm hooked. I want to finish it because it was so sad and sappy that I won't be able to sleep! I'd get Bad dreams just as if I watched a horror movie. -_-;

Oh gawd...I'm terrified.

Anyway, It's cold...

Argghh! Well, morning I took a math quiz with an empty stomach (and i couldn't stand it) took a Fil seatwork with a full stomach and of course that makes me drowsy. Took my practical in PE without much sleep and I was dizzy.

To top that, I have friend issues. Well, I'm not too involved in particular, I am and then again I am not. Aw Gawd! that's confusing!

Nothing beats being caught in the middle! NOTHING!!! ::thunder noises::

...there.

My friend invited me to a Late Isabel/Mayonnaise Gig this Saturday. Since I don't see her much and she lives far away, I guess I will come. I will try my best.

Also, I realized how I marginalized my hopes and dreams...

For my third and fourth year I was so busy with stuff that I forgot to cherish my dream of being a comic book artist and a writer and (yuck haha ambitious I know) My dream to compose my poems into songs.

If that was fate, then it's cruel.

I realized that as I have stepped in the comic book shop that I had gone to 2 years ago.

Ahhh...the lovely mangas. I think I swore I'd complete at least one series of them. That was before.

...and I forgot. Until I heard they're going bye bye...never to come back.

...That was painful.

Something for Lit Class a while ago:


The heart does not beat aloud,
But as it stops beating,
The body dies.

NOTE: Think of blood and the organic heart.

This is a heart. Don't be decieved, It could be nearer to the real thing than those lovey dovey red sketches.

My drawing:

things cool down. I don't think much about the last post anymore. Maybe I just have to have a bit more patience. However, it's still disappointing.

Ok ambilis ko talagang hindi na magalit!!! arggggh! hahaha wala kalimutan ko na yung post ko completely.

Konting skirmish lang yun. Patawaran lang.

Life goes on.

Madaming test bukas.

^_^ Pero at least naliwanagan ako. At sa sitwasyong gulo na prinoblema ko, naiintindihan ko na ang ibig sabihin ng both sides.

legitimate ang mga reasons nila.

...ang actions nila lang...

...hindi ko masabi.

...hayaan na natin si God. Wala na akong gagawin diyan basta ako wala akong kakampihan, pero wala ding iwanan sa ereng mangyayari.

Ang mga kaibigan ko ay kaibigan ko. I want to be as fair as I can to both sides.

...Hope they would also be fair to me.

...and to each other.

later nalang. bell na arrgh inabutan pa ako.

Hmmm It's so odd that this time my mind has been clearly thinking...Odd odd odd. I'm talking nonsense, I know.

I arrived just in time for Math quiz this morning. It was surprising since I did not want to get up this morning. And I was actually THINKING about my math test given that I did not study for any subject for this day at all.

I just wanted to get home. But I had to get done with the stuff I have to do.

Confusing and Redundant. I sound stupid.

ANd again I'm speaking in fragments...

I wasn't able to do my homework for Physics so I skipped 20 minutes to have a bite in the cafeteria and and luckilly we did not have a quiz. But I was totally zoning out in physics class. Nevermind that Sin-1n2=sin-1n1...

or that the light waves would reflect at a so and so angle instead of being refracted...

...It's just that the weather is a bit cold and I wanted to get out of Faura hall and stay somewhere else and rest. Not to think of any problems or homework or any complications.

...Just rest.

But of course after lunch we would have Fil class ad we have a quiz ther too.

...A quiz which I also did not give any time last night or any night to study. But I guess it turned out okay. I finished it in a jiff, nt minding whetehr I had done it correctly, as lng as I could lie my head on my table and sleep.

...rest seems so scarce lately.

But anyway, I know that the Christmas break is almost there so I have to be more patient. I could sleep all day and I have stopped burdening myself with other problems.

I feel that I'm making everything worse, so I'm not doing anything about it anymore.

Anyway, Now I'm here in the com lab without a thing to do until 7 pm later. Yeah, I'm going home late today because I have to watch Lam-Ang. *Sigh* I think it'll end at about 9 or 10. O.o So sad.

Maybe If I have to log out I'll just read a copy of the controversial Tangang Lawin. I think it's a pretty interesting read.

I haven't posted for a while.

::mind zooms at all the past entries that starts with that phrase::

A lot has happened since the past few days. First of all, I literally flunked my Math test because I wasn't able to finish it. Of all the days that I have to come late it just HAD to be the math long test day.

ARRRRGH! :Bops self:

Anyway, I was so depressed that day...but I couldn't come home immediately or play any games. I had to tutor my cousin Nicolette for -guess-what-subject- yes, you got it right. Math.

But I wasn't bitter about my math test.

::Remembers myself cursing the points of inflection::

Hmm...well except for the immediate hours after the test. Time flies. Frustration fades.

The next day, that's Friday, Physics lab and then home. I recieved gifts from my blockmates. yay! Thank you! I wish I could give gifts too, but I'm broke I'm sorry!

Anyway, I wanted to come to my blockmate Daz's debut, but... ::sniff:: I wasn't able to! I'm sorry! I hope you guys had a fun time though. It just happened that there was nobody to fetch me ::sob::.

Anyway, my friends kidnapped me that day, we just spent our time in greenhills watching the puppets and Aimee(she's a different person)'s house (that's in my neighborhood too!) taking vanity pictures.

::Sigh::

Now we move on to Saturday. My early morning starts with the sound of talking an an alarm which turned on late.

I had to meet Shura_17 at McDonalds, 8:00. It was already 8:15. To top that, I had allergies. But I managed to get there...an hour late though.

Went home afterwards, went to fetch Nyel_06 who was waiting in Mini Stop and passed by the Filcosplay party then had to go to my Highschool, PCC.

It's difficult to commute from Libis to Pasig, and what do we get?

They won't let us in!

My brother invited me and told me that Student Council Alumni can come in for free. But even if I was to buy tickets they won't let us in!

I mean, what gives? They won't even let Mojo Fly in. And they're the guest band? What of the council? I saw their president lounging near the gates, she did not even do anything to defend her batchmates who themselves can't get in. Who do I see outside who tried to do something about it? A third year rep.

This is a rant: Mas masaya magrant ng Tagalog sa ganitong issue:

Kaya, tagalog mode muna: Shrek naman, ano bang klaseng alma mater and ipinagtatabuyan ang mga alumni niya? Porket hindi pa sila sikat? T*na, pag sikat na saka lang nila aaminin na galing sa kanila? Si Hero Angeles, sumikat lang sa SCQ, hindi lang pumunta, siya pa ang paulit ulit na niyayaya sa school.

T*na talaga.

Dude! NakaPINK ako nun! Hindi naman sa masama yun, pero mukha ba kaming makikipagslamman ni Nyel? Saka dati akong Council, dating nagbabantay dun, saka si Nyel dating Staffer din sa Crusader, eh yung mga pinsan nga ni Nyel na mas prone magloko eh nakapasok! Hello! Ibibigay ko lang yung charger ng kapatid ko at hinihintay lang ni Nyel yung mga kapatid niya. Hindi man lang kami pinaupo sa waiting shed. Pati na rin yung ibang mga tao dun. Saka delikado sa pasig, ano yun? Wala man lang concern sa mga nagaantay sa labas!

Kung tinitignan nila ang kapakanan ng estudyante: tignan mo ang katangahan, binuwag nila ang CSPST at CAT, na dating nagbabantay sa mga events, so sino ang magbabantay sa susunod? Tapos wala pa silang magiging training katulad ng mga officers at candidates dati.

Saka, bat hindi sila nagpapapasok? pwede namang maginspect ng bags at magpaiwan ng ID imbis na sinayang lang nila yung pera at effort ng mga bumili ng tickets.

Ano ba namang sistema yan?

Pangit pa daw yung sound system. Imbis na na yung binayaran nila sa sound system yung mag set up, yung kapatid ko pa yung nagset up!

Pinakakinaasaran ko yung sinabi sakin nung guard. Bago kasi yung mga yun, hindi yung mga guard na kilala namin dati pa.

"Dati po akong council. Sabi po ng kapatid ko, invited kami, pwede kami pumasok, saka ibibigay ko lang yung charger niya." sabi ko.

Tapos sabihin ba naman na, "Council ka DATI. Bawal ka pumasok."

Kung wala lang akong pasensya namura ko na yung guard na yun eh. * T'na!! Eh ako ang gumawa ng imbitasyon at layout sa poster ng even na yan eh! *

Si Nyel 10 years nagaral dun, ako 3 years lang, pero sila? 1 year palang naman sila nanilbihan dun ah! Hindi naman ako masamang estudyante, sumasali ako sa mga kontest dala ang pangalan ng institusyong iyan! Binigyan nila ako ng scholarship pero pinabayaran din sakin bago ako grumadweyt! At ano pa? Bayad na nga ako, nawawala pa ang diploma ko.

Ano ba yan!

Kung hindi lang sa mga memories ko na maganda sa mga taong worth it na alalahanin. Naisip ko, worth it pa ba na maging proud ako sa school ko?

Naisip ko tuloy yun.

Dati ang laki ng utang na loob ko sa eskwelahan na yun, kaya ngayon ganun na lang din ang sama ng loob ko.

Pero siyempre, hindi ko makakalimutan ang school ko. Lahat ng pinagdaanan kong eskwelahan, proud ako. West Drive Toddler School, CSR Makati, ngayon, Ateneo...PCC kahit na nung Saturday nasira ang pagkakakilala ko sa eskewahan, maraming pa ring good memories and valuable lessons na natutunan ko doon.

Basta. Pero kahit na ganun, hindi ko maitatakwil ang PCC, malaki pa rin ang utang na loob ko, ang mga aral na napulot ko dun, an mga taong nakaenkwentro ko.

(siyempre nga kahit hindi sa PCC precious ang memories ko sa lahat ng mga institusyong nagbigay sa akin ng kaalaman.)

Kaya nga siguro, mas masakit nung itinakwil kaming alumni, di ba?

...Hay Buhay. Bahala na nga nae-emo ako. har. har.

I already got my new phone!!! It's not that expensive as other phones, but I love it! It's a Motorola c651. It's the one in the commercials in MTV...the Hello moto advertisments. The digital sounds are great!

I have to change numbers again for the nth time though.

^_^ I downloaded several tunes a while ago. ^_^ Wheeee!

LAGOT kayo!!! You're all doomed to lots of Mizuki vanity pictures!!!! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Pero ayos lang, you are spared a bit kasi malabo. ::

(vanity pictures of doom)

This would be one of my more emotional posts.

But then again, I'm to sad to type. I just want to note that it hurts me when people don't trust me, or that what I say is true.

...Especially, when I am saying the truth.

But nobody at home believes me. Even if I seldom lie (I can't say never, who hasn't lied?) and I don't like lying to people even if it would put me in trouble, I will say what I feel, think and know for myself is true.

So when that effort is taken for granted...It just hurts me.

It hurts more that I'm not trusted in my own home.

I just want to take note of this personally. Just so I won't forget.

It's Christmas...watched CCS marathon all day while chomping on food...will tell lots more later on...

Well actually I've got lots but I'm too lazy ti right them down at the moment.

My older brother gets a new girlfriend I guess...It's sad too coz his old girlfriend was really nice.

But I guess it's okay.

Right now I'm trying to search and destry a virus that has gotten into the PC. Gawd I hope it doesn't take hold.